Pure horror

It was a weekend of extreme highs and lows. I went out on Friday night for book group. Accidentally drank quite a lot of wine. I blame the hot weather – I went for a quick drink after work with new colleagues, where I enjoyed a couple of summery glasses of white wine, and then headed to the restaurant for book group. When I got there, a bottle of red was already open – when in Rome, right? So, much glorious discussion with food and wine. A lovely evening, marred only by the knowledge that I had to be up and out very early on the Saturday as the builders were starting work on the flat at 8am. That’s 8am. On a Saturday. Anyway, managed to get up and out, and went to Islington to get my hair done. This was the high point. The Italian colourist, Gabriele (a bloke), was lighting fast, and barely spoke to me at all, which is just how I like it at the hairdressers. I haven’t come in for inane chat – just do my hair, please, then charge me an exorbitant fee. That’s how it should be. So, my hair looks good, and I am very happy with it. Then I had a party to go to on Saturday eve…

I went to the party, which was miles away from where I live, in the birthday girl’s house. I had intended to stay a couple of hours, and leave in time to get the tube and thus get home around midnight. Well, that didn’t quite happen. I was drinking vodka all night, in the mistaken belief that I was being ‘good’ by not mixing my drinks. So there I was again, accidentally quaffing vast quantities of vodka, and though I didn’t feel drunk, oh, I most certainly was.

So drunk in fact that I stayed until 2.30am - then attempted to get the night bus home, or rather, a series of night buses. Pure horror. (the low point is coming)... I got one bus to Piccadilly Circus, and then another to Trafalgar Sq, thinking I would get the 453 all the way home. This is when it all starts to fall apart. Instead, I got on the No. 381, because the 453 just wasn't coming and I had been waiting about 45mins and was FREEZING, and I thought to myself, I'll change to the No. 47 at Surrey Quays. However, I was VERY drunk. In my head, at some point in the journey, I convinced myself I was on the 453, which terminates at Deptford Bridge, and therefore it would be safe to fall asleep. I duly fell asleep, and then woke up where the bus terminated: 4.30am, Peckham bus station. (this is the unmistakable low point). Oh my god. This dilemma galvanized me into action, and sobered me up a treat. Finally got a cab back to my place, and got in at 5am…and then had to get up at 7.30 because the builders were coming at 8am (again). I felt like death. The builders started work and I tried to stay in my room and lie very still, but then they started drilling and hammering. Had to drag myself up and out and go forage for food and sustenance. I was very queasy, but managed to get myself a full English brekkie at a greasy spoon not too far away, and then I felt a bit better. But only a bit.

I’m still pretty knackered today, but certainly feel more human. Obviously, I’m never drinking again. Obviously.

A pox on your eyes, payroll department

Today is payday. Normally, this would be a cause for great celebration and much worshipping of the craven idols on Oxford Street. But no. The agents of Satan who between them manage the payroll and HR departments at my new place of employ have conspired to misplace my P45, which I handed in over a month ago – a fact I just relayed down the phone to a ‘payroll officer/minion of the dark one’ without quite managing to keep the shrill edge out of my voice. So now I have received the dreaded ‘BR’ tax code, so my net pay is not quite what I thought it would be. This is made that bit more frustrating because I haven’t been paid since I left my old job about 2 months ago.

The people in payroll passed me on to the people in HR. The people in HR have said they will ‘look into this’ and ‘call me back’. They do like to have their little jokes. Do they not understand the urgency of the situation? I have things I need to buy – quite apart from food and rent, there are more important things, like I need to get my hair done – this is quite a desperate situation now - it really needed doing last month, and I made myself wait, spending what little money I had on fripperies such as travel cards and the like. Sheesh. I also need to buy a new CD player, my old one having completely given up the ghost over a MONTH ago.

Hmph. We are not amused. That is all.

Oh happy day

Oh I feel blessed today. Have just found out that Ozma will be going back to Oz, and not becoming a permanent member of staff. I am hugely relieved. Luckily I wished her no ill, so I don't have to worry about the karmic effects of my simply wishing her out of my vicinity...

In other news, I have been experiencing the downsides of the hot weather so familiar to us all - you hunt through the bottom of the wardrobe for your summery sandals, pop them on and away you go. But that's not the end of the story. I was walking down the road on Saturday morning, thinking, 'I've been walking for half an hour and these shoes are still comfy - brilliant!'. Then I felt like something was catching at the back of my heel, like maybe a small stone had fallen into the shoe or something. So I checked and found that I had rubbed the skin off my heel, and that's what was 'catching'. Blisters on three of my toes appared within about 3 seconds after that, and I have been hobbling around and applying/re-applying plasters ever since. This does take the spring out of your step somewhat.

On the off chance that you weren't enthralled by My Shoe Hell, I thought I would also share with you this fabulous story which may have passed you by: Man marries goat. An oldie but a goodie. Makes me think of The League of Gentlemen, which is never a bad thing.

Enjoy!

Back with a vengeance

Yes, you heard right, I'm back. A little later than planned, but then I always was one to make an entrance. So, before we begin, I 'upgraded' my template here, and although that means I get some extra benefits, I seem to have lost Haloscan in the move, so it looks like nobody ever commented on the old posts. But that's ok - we both know that those old posts were wildly popular and generated much fierce debate and many profound utterances. But that's all in the past; let's move on.

So to business. A lot has happened whilst I've been away. First off, I got a new job! One that I don't hate with every fibre of my being! Imagine that. Having decided, at the start of the year, that this would be the 'Year of Just', I set out to get a new job, and then I got one. It wasn't quite that simple, and I had to jump through many hoops to get this job, in fact, considering the 5 hours I had to spend at an assessment centre, the 2 hour-long personality and motivation questionnaires, and the panel interview with a presentation, it felt more like I was jumping through flaming hoops on a motorcycle. Blindfolded. With my hands tied behind my back. And you get the idea. However, as you all know, I REALLY hated my old job, so I'd have done it all twice if they'd asked me.

It has been really weird to be the 'new girl' again after such a long time (five l-o-n-g years), but we're 4 weeks in now and I am just about feeling settled and getting a grip on what the job actually involves. This was a total mystery for the first 2 weeks, as I am in a brand new department and I was the only new staff member to have joined; all the other staff were temps or 'interim'. I kept being introduced to people and then being told they were leaving at the end of the week. Plus, the woman who was inducting me (is it just me, or does that sound vaguely sexual? Say it slowly to yourself, go on: in-duct-ing. You get me?), whilst she was very nice, every time I asked her a vital question, such as 'where is the stationery? Where are the teabags kept? What is that strange electrical buzzing noise coming from above my desk?', she would inevitably reply: 'I honestly don't know.' Anyway, many of these mysteries have now been revealed to me - though the stationery cupboard still remains something of an enigma...and as I said, it's all starting to come together a bit more now.

So, all is well at the new workplace, and so now, I really must get back to the Oscar-winning screenplay. Back soon.