Aye Carumba!

Big news this week. Big news. I’ve actually done something that is on my New Year’s resolution list. And no, it isn’t the one about eating more pizza. I’ve actually stepped completely outside of my comfort zone and joined a netball team. Yes, you read that right. How did this happen? Well, as with most things, alcohol was involved.

At one of the many Xmas parties I attended, I got a little drunk, and apparently agreed to join the team. Naturally, I had only the vaguest recollection of this, and was filled with horror when reminded of it in the sober days of January. After wrestling with the notion for a while, I decided to go for it, bearing in mind my resolution to get fit.

This is not like me. I am not usually a sporty person - the competitive side of things frightens me off, as it reminds me of evil sports teachers and bitchy girls in high school. I have never had a gym membership and I doubt I ever will. I do the occasional bit of yoga – so occasionally that when I went to pack my yoga mat for when I moved house recently – I found a spider’s nest in the folds. Yep, that’s how often I do yoga. I did go swimming regularly a couple of years ago at the local pool – but then I got a verucca on my foot, which had to be frozen off with a nitrogen spray, and thus decided that the pool was a germ-infested whole. Plus, shortly after that, I got my hair highlighted – and, well, chlorine wreaks havoc on coloured hair, as we all know. So, me – not the sporty type.

However, as with most things in life, it turned out to be an opportunity to buy new clothes. I don’t own any sportswear, and tend avoid sportswear shops as I find them oddly intimidating. Of course, I do own a pair of trainers, but they are essentially a fashion item, and not even waterproof. So, I arrived at the hallowed doors of Footlocker the Saturday before last, and was confronted with row upon row of trainers, deafening music and the requisite 16-year-old sales assistants. I asked one of teh spotty, long-haired boys if the shoe I had picked up would be suitable for playing netball. I think he misheard me, as he began a long explanation of teh shoe's merits and told me it was good for ‘dribbling with’...I assume this is a football reference and not something more sinister. However, they were in the sale and they fit, so, dear reader, I bought them.

I was on a high after this successful mission and headed straight to Debenhams, where, serendipitously, a whole window was devoted to a new product line called Shock Absorbers – a range of sports bras. I got to the underwear department and was immediately pounced on by one of the ‘bra specialists’. She was wearing a tape measure round her neck, so she was well-qualified. She asked me what size I was, I told her, and then she gave me a long, appraising look, and told me she doubted my measurement was correct. I was stunned – I told her I’d been measured at Marks & Spencer – as all Brits know, Marks & Spencer may have made many mistakes over the past few years – the entire frill-me-to-death ‘per una’ range, for a start, but no-one, and I mean, NO-ONE knows underwear like they do. However, the bra specialist was very bossy and authoritative and followed me into the dressing room, wielding the tape measure…she measured me, and lo and behold, told me I was BIGGER! Apparently, I’m a double D cup! All those ‘I must, I must’ exercises must have paid off – either that or taking the pill. So a sports bra was definitely a necessity now – couldn’t have them bouncing up and down on the pitch – might have someone’s eye out...

Another successful purchase complete, I decided to brave Nike Town - which is like a small village on four dizzying floors - very confusing layout, plus one of the escalators wasn’t working, and I was told I had to exit the store via the ‘Sports Culture Zone’ – eh? – but there was another sale on, so I got 2 sports tops, I set of sports bottoms and a sports zip up thingy to wear on top. I didn’t get quite the same rush as when I buy designer shoes, but it was a positive shopping experience overall.

The league starts proper in Feb. O lord. What have I let myself in for?

Word up

Very frustrated as I don't have any time to do proper posts at the moment - work is ker-azy with a 'k', and we still don't have internet access at the new flat (hint, hint, Red). So, to keep things moving along, I'm going to post one of my favourite poems. I'm a big fan of poetry, and I can't think why I haven't posted any before. Anyway, without much further ado, here's I may, I might, I must, by Marianne Moore(1887-1972) :


If you will tell me why the fen
appears impassable, I then
will tell you why I think that I
can get across it if I try.

Back soon!

Back in the grind

Aaaaaagh. Back at work. Finally back at work. I did take quite a long break, so I guess I should have anticipated the colossal shock to my system returning to the daily grind would be. First off, there was the whole ‘getting-up-early’ thing, which is not really my thing, even at the best of times. I just feel like getting up early is like a secret no-one has let me in on, you know? I’ve been trying it my whole life, and it’s never taken. Anyway, managed it somehow, and got here vaguely on time, as is my custom, despite the best efforts of London Underground who chose to strike the day I go back to work - thanks you guys! (Note to self: today may not have been the best day to break in my new shoes – try to think ahead in future).

So, the whole ‘getting-to-work’ hurdle over with, I get to my desk. Next obstacle: over the Christmas break, my office got redecorated (just to be clear, when I say ‘my office’, I don’t mean it’s my office, just to be clear). So that the decorator could get to the walls, we had to pull the fire-hazard manuscripts off all the shelves that fence my desk in (- sometimes it’s like working in a small paper fort, but, more often, it‘s like working in an office with lots of manuscripts - eh, tom-ah-to, tom-ay-to). So, naturally, since I chose to go back to work after everyone else, my desk has been transformed into a general dumping ground. Next time I go away, I’m investing in one of those ‘No Fly Tipping’ signs.

However, I’m not sure how much good it would do since the ‘Out-of-Office-Assistant’ feature on Outlook seems to be no deterrent WHATSOEVER to people consistently emailing me a variety of junk, spam, essential documents I won’t have time to read and utterly irrelevant crap. Have had to spend all morning just going through the email inbox, going through over 200 emails. Honestly, you’d think I was being paid to be here or something. Chuh.

So, taking refuge in the sacred space that is the holy and sacred Lunch Hour, I’m taking a moment for a little reflection, and, a little late, here are my New Year’s Resolutions (I never make them on 1st January - I‘m always too hungover, what would be the point?).

1. Okay, first up, get up on time EVERY DAY.

No, I’m just messing with you, that was a joke. Ok, ok,

1. Learn to drive (don’t laugh, I‘m really going to do it this year, I promise)

2. Write Oscar-winning screenplay (how hard can it be?)

3. Win lottery (it could be me - though, to be in with a chance, I really ought to make the effort and buy a ticket once in a while)

4. Quit smoking (this should be a whiz, since I don’t actually smoke - you have to include achievable goals, isn’t that what all the self-help gurus say?)

5. Buy more fabulous shoes (I owe it to myself)

6. Go on the London Eye ( I say this every year, I want to do it, but I don’t want to do it with a bunch of dumb tourists. Though wanting to do it kind of makes me one of them. Hmm, tricky, very tricky.)

7. Get fit. Do yoga at least 3 times a week, become super-toned and incredibly bendy. (Oooh, also buy that new ‘Chillates’ DVD they keep advertising - that looks really good, plus, also buy some really cool keep-fit clothes...)

8. Eat pizza at LEAST once a week (back on the whole ‘achievable goals’ thing).

9. Meet and date mentally stable and incredibly attractive man. (I know, I know, I live in a dream world. What the hell, I put it at 9).

10. And finally, uh, well, I can’t think of a tenth resolution - so, suggestions welcome...

Wish me luck...