Yoga etc

Went to yoga on Friday night - intensive hatha class. It is from 6 until 7, led by a lovely woman called Amanda. She just has this lovely energy and is a great teacher - it kind of seems like she isn't pushing you too hard, but everyone still comes out of the class kind of shaky and wobbly. Because I am obsessed with trying to keep fit - in part due to body dysmorphic disorder (how come an awareness of it doesn't make it stop? Am about the same size as I have been for about 10 years in reality, but most of the time I am convinced I am fat. And if I was just a bit thinner, then of course my whole life would absolutley fucking perfect - I know it isn't just me.)- and in part due to the fact that the endorphin hit I get after yoga or my dance class makes me feel so good and blissed out that I think I may be becoming addicted to it. Anyway, I must be pretty fit now as I even went to yoga this morning - that's right, you heard me - this morning - that's Sunday morning at 10.30 for an hour and a half hatha practice. The focus in the class this month is back bends.

There is of course, a spiritual side to yoga, which I assume is also doing me good. At the start of each session, you have to think of someone or something you would like to dedicate your practice to. It can be someone who you care about, someone who could do with a lift, etc. You can also dedicate your practice to someone you don't like, someone you have had trouble with and so on. Back bends, we were told today, are all about forgiveness and letting go. Sometimes, when people are doing back bends, they get emotional, because there is a kind of release. This happened to me today - I could feel myself starting to cry, but just about managed to hold it together. Was thinking about all the crap that bothers me, all the stuff that is just sitting on top of me, or, all the stuff that I am carrying round with me, weighing me down. And the constant state of alertness that I seem to be in. Could be to do with the job, but it is also everything else.

Suppose in particular, when Amanda said to think of someone who perhaps has upset you, or you have upset them, and to just take the time to let it go, I thought of two individuals, and I did think, I hope I can just let this go, today.

It's good to have this space to ramble.