Never can say...

My parents recently moved abroad, and I went to visit them for a holiday and see how they were settling in. It was a good visit, but as I was leaving both my mother and myself knew that she wasn't really feeling happy to be there and was uncertain about her future. I wanted to leave, but also wanted to stay and help, and just felt so conflicted. When people we love are in trouble, what can you do? I hate the feeling of helplessness you get - all you can do is be there, but all you really want to do is wave a magic wand and make it all better.


...As we hugged goodbye, I could feel myself losing control and my chest started to shudder with the effort to keep breathing steadily and hold back the sob building behind it. She held me tightly and I could feel she was shaking too, and that just about did it. The tears started, and we had to pull away quickly, trying to take deep breaths so we could manage to speak before the dam burst. The cab door was open and my suitcase already in the boot; I held onto the door and tried to sound bright and cheery,
‘Okay,’ I said, ‘Bye darling, I love you, I’ll call you when I get in,’
‘Bye-bye my darling, love you, give me a ring when you get back in, ok, bye-bye,’
I forced myself into the car and shut the door. Luckily there was hardly any traffic and the driver was able to pull quickly away from the curb. We kept waving at each other until we were out of sight. I couldn’t stop crying in the taxi, and was grateful the driver didn’t try to talk to me. He had the radio on, and I was desperately trying to compose myself, but every time I calmed myself down, the emotions seemed to rise up like a wave and I could feel my throat tightening and my breathing become shaky and erratic.
The trip to the airport was not a long one and I stared out of the window, trying to focus on the countryside zipping by. It was distracting; noticing how much it reminded me of Italy, and how the journey to the airport always feels so familiar, always in a quiet taxi, at times of the day when there is no other traffic on the roads. I eventually managed to get my breathing under control and my heart rate slowed down.

I focused on the tasks at hand, such as paying the driver and getting a trolley for my suitcase, and the little problems I always needlessly obsess over when I am travelling: if my suitcase is too heavy/the rare event that my ticket would somehow turn out to be invalid/setting off the metal detector alarm and so on.

I know the last one is not a big deal, but on one occasion, I was being rushed through the security section for a flight home from Mexico. The alarm went off, and a thoroughly stressful episode followed. There was no air-conditioning, so it was sweltering, and I was late for my flight; I took all the change out of my pockets and tried again, but it went off again, so then I had to take off all my jewellery, which was a trial as I was panicking and sweating and couldn’t get the catches open on my many bracelets and necklace. It still went off again and I just felt like screaming. The security guards just waved me through in the end, but then I had to re-attach all the jewellery and so on. Not particularly harrowing, but then again, not an experience I would like to repeat.

Of course, everything was fine and I got checked in and went through to the departure lounge. I ended up dozing a little on plane, which is quite rare for me, but then I hardly got any sleep last night. I kept waking with a start and couldn’t be sure I hadn’t actually cried out, but none of the other passengers were looking at me, so I just settled back down, as comfortably as you can on a standard class seat, and closed my eyes again.

I always request a window seat when travelling by air, as nothing can compare to the unique perspective and astonishing beauty of looking at the sky and seeing the earth from this perspective. When I look at that blanket of clouds, all amazingly brilliant and white and pure and light, and I can feel myself breathe easier, relax, drink it in.