Flat Pack fun!

The best thing about Ikea, as everyone knows, is the silly names they give to the furniture. Red and I went to Ikea last week, and I bought the MALM 3 drawer chest of drawers, a BENNO CD tower (I flirted briefly with the BILLY CD tower, but it doesn’t come in oak veneer, so BENNO won on points), and a FELICIA throw for the bed. Red bought me an ASPELUND wardrobe. I’ve capitalised the names because a) that’s how they are on the ridiculously large labels, and b) it encourages you to say the names in a silly voice, enunciating each syllable (come on, you know you want to). We also bought a couple of MOTTO cereal bowls, an IRIS oven mitt, looked longingly at a lamp called TRUNNA, and realised we already had a bedside table called HALO.

So to the fun of assembly. I’ve not tackled any flat pack stuff since I first moved to London, when I bought a GLADIAT set of desk drawers. I managed to put it together alright, but I also remember losing several hours of my life to the project. But, you know, keeping my CDs in cardboard boxes is starting to get kind of tired, so, throwing caution to the wind and armed with a hammer and a Philips screwdriver, I gingerly opened the box containing the CD tower – I thought I would build up to the bigger items. It really wasn’t too difficult, I’m pleased to report, and probably would have been easier and quicker had I not been putting it together whilst keeping half an eye on the TV, talking to my Mum on my phone and drinking a glass of wine (what can I say, I just can’t help multi-tasking).

At a crucial point, I realised one of the screws was missing, but I’ve come to realise that a vital missing component is tied in with the whole Ikea culture. That’s right. They do it on purpose. Ikea is not simply a furniture store with oddly named stock. Oh no, it’s a lifestyle and a philosophy and an experiment all in one. How else would you explain the fact that the wardrobe doesn’t come with handles? Of course it doesn’t come with handles – that would be against the whole ethos of Ikea, apparently. They are clearly trying to encourage active thinking, a philosophical enterprise of some sort if you will. To me, and maybe to you too, a wardrobe is not complete without handles, but to Ikea, handles are merely ‘accessories’, to jazz it up post-assembly. Likewise, including the correct screws and fasteners in the box, or even detailed instructions would be wrong. As your heart sinks at the prospect of having to return to Ikea to get the improbably named handles, you find yourself questioning how necessary they really are…and then you’re off, pondering the meaning of life and the sound of one hand clapping.

I did feel a sense of triumph when I finished BENNO, but no spiritual awakening. On balance, I think that MALM and ASPELUND can stay in their cardboard boxes for a bit longer.